An excerpt from Celebrate Recovery:
Step 5
We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
This is one of the more “real” things I believe a Christian can do on their journey with Jesus up to Calvary. When Jesus told Peter and them “follow me” He was serious. In the gospel of Mark, Jesus is walking down the road and a man comes up to Him saying, “What can I do to earn salvation?” Jesus responds with, “you know the commandments, follow those.” the man says “duh, I’ve done that since my youth!” Jesus then says “You haven’t done it all. Here, do this. Go, sell everything you own and give it away, then, take up your cross and follow me.”
You guys know the story right, the guys walks away. He doesn’t do what Jesus says. Jesus then looks at His disciples, and says “How hard it is for those with riches to enter into heaven.”
God’s been speaking to my heart lately, through my study in James, and other things, and I don’t want to be this man. This man knew the law, he knew the rules, he was familiar. But, when he had the opportunity to do what was required, to give up of himself, he didn’t. His riches, the things in his life were too much for him to give up.
Celebrate Recovery came to my rescue last year. It really did. I went through some crazy changes last year, and CR was there for me when I need it the most. There are 12 steps in the program and I haven’t finished working all the steps yet, but I want to share this one with anyone who wants to read. Step 5 is where a recoveree finds someone to actually spell out his sin to, the exact nature of his wrongs, to verbalize them. It’s about accountability. It’s about ownership. It’s about confession. It’s about all kinds of stuff. It is based up on James 5:16, “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other that you may be healed.”
Now, this isn’t all of my wrongs. The list would be endless. I’ve only got 3 gigs of space on this site. However, this is one wrong doing that has forever changed my life, and the life of many others through the repercussions of my actions. Also, this isn’t the recommended format for this step. It is meant to normally happen between a recoverer and their mentor/accountability partner. I have covered this with my pastor and his wife, Doug & Lisa, as well as with my wife, Marissa. I even had confess this to my boss, and his boss. I haven’t asked everyone I’ve hurt for forgiveness yet; that’s step 9. I’m just trying to be real. My dad left a comment on the “About Shonuff” page, and I am even more so motivated to publish this.
I think I’ve done enough of an introduction, and this post is gigantic already, so I’m going to put one of my actual “wrong doings” into a comment, and you can read on if you’d like. If this is a little much for you, it’s okay. Feel free to comment, using this page as a vehicle for your own Step 5. If you’d like to talk with me about this, I would be happy to, so call, or email, or something. This isn’t a blog page, this is a testament to where I’ve been, what I’ve done, and what God’s done as well.
Above all, remember who Jesus really is, keep the reverence and respect where it should be. Look upon me with Grace and Love, for I truly need it.
In Christ <><
Benjamin David Smith – adopted son of the Most High
In May and June of 2008 I was tasked with a special work project. I got to serve as the acting “General Manager” for the “sister center” my employer had in Kansas. This was an amazing opportunity for me professionally. I’d soon come to learn that it was one of the worst and best things that had ever happened to me.
The company put me into an extended stay hotel, so I wouldn’t have to check out every weekend, and they paid for me to come home on the weekends too. The routine got pretty boring pretty fast. I’d fly out on Monday and back home on Friday. The work was very challenging, it was very hard to try and take on that much of a role with no real coaching or mentoring. While the trip was happening, I had to save all the “church work” I had until I got home on Friday, Saturday and Sunday.
This got pretty crazy pretty quick. It was crazy work all day, nothing to do at night, crazy work all weekend, then come back and start over again.
At this point, I guess I had already reached “burn-out” at church but was denying it. I wasn’t serving God anymore. I was working; and wishing I was getting payed for it. I’d some how lost focus on what was going on. I don’t know how it happened. Neglect. Prayerlessness, Unforgiveness, Pride. All of those fed into it, none of them were big enough, or stood out enough for me to see and acknowledge.
I didn’t have any friends, not really, well not anybody that I was treating as a friend. I’d neglected Charles, Jon, Doug, John, Philip. All of the great Christian men God had put into my life. I used “work” as my crutch. Too busy… So, here I am, this “burn-out” church leader in denial about it, pretending to be gracious, and working my butt off 7 days of a week for over a month.
My wrongdoing:
I don’t even remember what day it was. First week of June some time I think. It was one of those nights while I was in Kansas. I went to a lady from work’s house to try and get some DVD’s. The hotel “Audio Video” system was down and I really didn’t have anything to do. I’d overheard this lady and others talking about how they had all of these DVD’s. We talked and stuff while at work, so I figured we were friends and it’d be alright. You see, I had been trying to “befriend” multiple people in Kansas. I would go to lunch with “the gang”, lots of people. I had consciously decided against going out with people at night and that kind of thing. But I was hanging out with them while at work. On one of my previous trips to Kansas I had gone to a work function and was riding in a car afterwards that dropped this lady off. So, I got in my rental car, left my hotel, and went to see if I could get some DVD’s to watch, arrived, went to the door, and knocked. I expected her to say “Hi”, and welcome me in. But when she answered the door, she looked a little astonished, and then slammed it in my face. I tried knocking but didn’t get an answer. I ended up going back to the hotel and sending text messages to her. I was really upset, fully enveloped in my anger. I thought she was a friend, and she slammed the door in my face. The only time I’d tried to reach out, and I got treated rudely. I even used profanity in my texting, trying to figure out what was going on. I gave up eventually, I said to myself, “Okay Ben, you just don’t have any friends, and that was crazy.” I tried texting a couple more times to see what the deal was, still ignorant. The only response I got from the lady was for her to basically say “stop”. I tried just being nonchalant, like nothing happened. Sent her work texts a couple times… Asked if she wanted to see a movie once… No response from her. I just let it go then, and didn’t think anything of it again. Work was the same, weekends were the same, and I just decided to play computer games at night.
It was about 2 weeks later, I think, one Sunday afternoon when I was home, after church. We’d done our deal at church, come home, and I was taking a nap on the couch. The next thing I know is that Marissa comes in the front door, slams it shut, and starts yelling at me. I had no idea what was going on, but it didn’t take long to figure out. While I was sleeping she’d gone through my phone, and found the text messages.
Now, you can imagine what must have been going through Marissa’s head. All she had was the text messages from me to this stranger, talking about going to her house, and using profanity, and well, think about it, what would you assume.
A little history, for this topic, I have the ability to lie and manipulate like Bill Clinton. It was a skill I picked up in my youth, and unfortunately, I used it several times early in our marriage. Every time I was caught lying, Marissa would forgive me and take me back. So, now imagine her, with the text messages, and her history with me as a looser.
The next couple hours were crazy, yelling, screaming, crying. I kept trying to say “I didn’t do anything, I didn’t do anything.” Marissa kept saying “How could you do that?”
I hadn’t even thought about Marissa when I went to that lady’s house. I hadn’t thought about it being bad, or inappropriate. That was my sin. I didn’t think. I’ll explain this more soon.
Before Marissa and I got married, we both said, “no matter what, we’re not going to end up like out parents, and divorced” Heck, this was the reason we started going to church, and coming back to God shortly after getting married. So, we are committed to this thing.
I didn’t know what else to do. I called Doug, or Marissa did. I’m not sure, it was a crazy afternoon/evening. Doug and Lisa found sitters for their kids and then came to see us. We sat in our kitchen, and walked through the whole thing. They asked questions, I answered. We settled it with the fact that we needed to get counselling/talking sessions, we would work on it, and so on. I could no longer be a leader, or worship leader, or youth leader, or a board member, or any of that kind of stuff. It wouldn’t be right, for all kinds of reasons.
I left the house that night and stayed awake all night long, walking around the Orlando Airport. I talked with my boss Monday morning after arriving back in Kansas, this guy that had entrusted me to come out and be the manager for over 120 people, and told him everything that happened. I explained it all, and told him that I had to leave to go back to Florida to be with my family. I was prepared for termination, for corrective action, but I received Grace. He apologized to me for putting me into this position, I explained that it wasn’t his fault, but appreciated his understanding. I packed up and with his permission caught the next flight back to Florida.
So, over the next several months Marissa and I got closer together than I think we’ve ever been before. It all came from us humbly seeking God in our lives, me for forgiveness and guidance, Marissa for Strength and Love. I started attending Celebrate Recovery as a member, not just a leader. So did Marissa. It’s coming close to a year now, and praise the Lord, I’ve got the strongest Christian I know for a wife.
What I’ve discovered about my wrongdoing:
First, I want to be very clear that I didn’t have an affair. I never had any physical contact with this lady. I wasn’t seeking it. I didn’t pursue her, I didn’t flirt with her. This poor lady isn’t even the source of my sin. This wasn’t the point, it was about the condition of my heart.
My sin was that I was operating in complete ignorance, not considering my actions, not thinking about things Spiritually, ignoring the battle for my soul, ignoring Jesus. I was so sick of working, that I stopped seeking Jesus. I was just assuming I had it under control and was operating in my own strength. I was a married Christian man on a business trip and I went to a lady’s house!!! I tried seeking a relationship with another woman. What the heck? I used profanity in my texts!!! I thought it would be nothing to go to a movie with her. Can you say MORON!!!! Read Romans 3:9-31. Read through James too, (it’s a short book) and you’ll see him describe my actions. I wasn’t actively trying to consummate an affair, but where would the path I was on have taking me without restraint? Just like the “rich young ruler”, who had money as his idol. I was “rich” in other things, and had let myself be completely blinded by it all. Something so obvious, should have been just that, obvious. I might as well have been one of those “wolves in sheeps clothing” talked about in the Bible. The core of what I was operating in was wrong. I should have told Doug I was getting burned out months before. I should have done many things. But I didn’t and I’m one of the educated ones. I can happily say that I’ve received an amazing amount of sound Biblical teaching. This stuff was known by me, but I was neglecting it. The Holy Spirit had spoken to me, and I’d ignored Him enough that I couldn’t hear Him anymore. In Revelation Jesus writes to the seven churches, and I can receive what He’s writing to the church at Ephesus. I’d left my first love. This, I think is almost the worst thing you can do. It’s on the wicked sharp edge of blasphemy. And I knew better. I’d put my wife, my family, my church, even Jesus, in a toilet and was urinating on them. God Forgive me a sinner!!!!
Results:
My wife’s faith and trust in me was shattered, and yet another stumbling block has been placed in her life. This poor woman didn’t ask for this trouble. I praise God that Marissa loves Jesus first and foremost, and not me.
My witness was ruined. To my boss, my pastor, my wife, co-workers, Jon and Shelly Walker. Really, what kind of Jesus was I representing. What kind of person was I reflecting?
My church was hurt. Not to brag, but Marissa and I did the lion’s share of work at the church, you name it, and we were in it. When this happened, all of that stopped. there was no way we could invest time at church until our home was settled again.
I sold my soul. Now, this is dramatic, but in the big picture, I might as well have. Again, I praise God that He has me in His hand, and won’t let me go. I am saved. I know it in the bottom of my heart. This was a rough time for me, and when I look back, at how much I had forsaken God, even with all of the knowledge and preparation I had, It hurts my heart.
Praise Report:
God has used all of this scenario for His glory. CCOTL grew and developed through the influx of workers that had to fill the holes we left. Marissa and I are closer than we’ve ever been. My personal walk is stronger and truer than it’s ever been. God has humbled me, and this has really equipped me to be a better leader, one aware of my failures. Doug, my pastor, has learned how to handle this kind of situation, and continued to love me even through my sin. My work in Kansas helped secure my new position in Virginia. I have learned what it means to be a dad, and husband. My heart is broken, thank God, and I am working loosing the pride and ambition that once moved me.
In Summary:
There are no excuses for my actions. I’m guilty. I’m glad I got caught, and God used it to call me back to Him, instead of further down the road I was on. I’m humiliated by how easy it was for me to go off track. My logical brain says I should have known better.
As you read this, don’t look for excuses for me, for there are none. I’ve documented everything in here for your awareness, hopefully someone else in my position, or headed where I was, may learn from my error, and begin to recognize their own troubles.
God, forgive me, a Sinner!!!